masterbation and the meaning of life

heart hurts

2010-07-31T23:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as i was driving a client to lunch, i became increasingly aware of this clenching feeling around my heart. It felt painful, and i tried to influence it with my thoughts, like, 'Okay, take it easy, whatever this is, it's probably stress related. Try sending some care towards my heart, imagine this pain easing away as i show i care for myself'. We picked up something for him at a drive thru and i told him i was really sorry but i had this pain around my heart and it was getting worse as i was driving and i think i needed to stop back at his house, atleast for awhile.
My supervisor suggested i get checked out, and i drove to the walk in clinic nearby. An xray and ecg came back normal and healthy. Same for blood pressure. I said the weather can make it harder to breathe, which it had that day, and the couple of days before it. I had quit smoking after new year's and my breathing was gradually getting better. I don't exercise, work in a higher-stress house now with three mentally handicapped guys who need alot of attention, care and guidance, and i can't remember the last time i went more than a week without drinking.
She said she was more concerned about my breathing then my heart. She said she'll call me next week and recommend a pulmonary doctor to look further at my heart and lungs. She gave me flonase, a nasal spray, and advair, an inhaler, which she said may produce a positive effect over time. i've spent half my life smoking, what if i did do something permanent?
It's just weird. I start to feel better, and then this happens. i sense it is stress and emotion, or those are atleast a factor of it's appearance. It felt better after leaving her office after a few hours there, but i noticed it again, although more subtly and constant, after i arrived at home. Even when i tried to sleep, it was there keeping me awake enough, wanting to tell someone or cry. i felt better this morning, but then it returned not long later.
It's been there ever since. It's there right now. I'm in my early thirties, this has to pass.

Long Gone Found, Benjamin Walker

2009-11-27T19:19:00.000-08:00

After years of searching... years of wondering if i'd ever hear his melancholy voice carry me again through his obscure imaginations- We've got

Your Radio Nightlight.

So, So, So, So, So much thanks to

Panoptican of Ontological Damnation

and his investigating my querie through metafilter.

It seems from his writing about it, it's impossible to not remember where you were when you first heard BW (Fall 2000 Boston). His stories just go so beyond what i had ever read. For the unrushed listener, they span an hour or more, each spliced with rediculous, or horrifying, true and fictional interviews from persons and his own electronic sounds hypnotically filling up time.

So gather some friends, light a joint
and lie down on that mattress together,
it's storytime.

M

2008-04-15T01:25:00.001-07:00

M called me from san francisco this sunday, four twenty- some pot smoking holiday for major cities and small enclaves of suburban kids. he kept crying while there were long pauses in our voices. He said he was sitting in delores park, right where my van was when he shared it with me over a few months some time ago when i attempted living in s.f.

he had said on friday he had something important to tell me, i was hating the guess i picked from my mind. He was saying everything but. ' look, M, when you called me on friday you said you had something important to tell me, and i already have a feeling its something really shitty, but i want you to tell me what it is'.

something about a clinic, a test. HIV positive.

i wish i had half of his light.

M i am so sorry. i don't know why good people are always being taken out of this world, it seems. that i ever met you seems now even more special. You are like light which cannot be contained but shines on everything it sees. thank you for your smile, your dancing, your walking with me through the forest of the city, your night conversations, your music and singing, your friendship.

...

2008-03-03T04:31:00.000-08:00

last night i dreamed i was lying in wait, following a heard of bison through a wooded land. A man i admired lied beside me, teaching me the ways of hunting. I wore a wolves skin over myself. I had just watched a special about this that night. The natives would sometimes herd hundreds of bison into areas by pretending to be wolves.

I felt admiration and trust toward the man beside me and thankfulness to be allowed instruction in this ageless, human custom. but then i looked down into myself and felt fear. i mean, this was dangerous. I could be trampled. What if real wolves came by and figured out i wasn't one of them? would i get attacked and eaten?

i wish i had written it down right away so i could have brought more understanding out of it.

2007-09-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

www.pandora.com

2007-09-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

www.postsecret.com

so glad to find...

2007-07-10T00:01:00.001-07:00

Walker, Storyteller, Righteous Dude

2007-02-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

finally, peace is in our hands...

2006-12-23T04:37:00.000-08:00

global O

2006-04-13T01:54:00.000-07:00

This is what the internet was meant for...

2006-01-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

Thank this photographer

and luck for finding their site during one of my nightly wanderings on the net.

Now part of the offering

of things I have found and enjoy

brought to you at aesthetic happenstance by

Ani Aesthetic.

2005-12-03T15:12:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my lawn chair in the early warmth of the sun. Coffee beside me, and cigerettes, but i have no desire for either. I work a night shift now and every morning feels like the possibilities of life are opened up with the rising of the great golden sun in the pink-clouded sky, warmth rising into my fridgid jacket as i leave work, light upon my tired eyes as i drive the few blocks home. And then i think it as an early death, or ubrupt, unexpected end that i realize i will lie down to sleep soon and not awake until darkness covers the earth again. As all of those possibilities are torn from my eyes, from my life, from what will be.
And so i refuse to let it happen, and i wait for the sun to become an early fire uopn the earth, and i go into my backyard and sit in my chair, and soak it up in silence by myself.
And think about all the things i have to be greatful for, that i never seem to be thankful for. While i consume my energies with self centered problems that i have created over the years, ways of relating to life that i have decided to be over the years, i ask for patience from The Is All to help me see how i've pushed away the things that most matter, how i can set aside such things and ways and be greatful for this time i've been granted, future unknown, past gone forever.

Sunlight, rocks beneathe my naked feet, the compact disks my mother hung from the fruit trees make rainbows and sunbeams moving across the yard like mobiles. I open the rabbit-proof gate of the garden my mother and father built while i was away this fall. walk amongst the cabbage and marigolds, basil, rosemary, apple and lemon mint. I get on my knees and pick up a handful of dirt, digging my feet into the garden soil. Thinking, God, it's been forever since i've done this. I smell every herb, taking deep breaths as i cup each in my hands. i did the same with the tangellos and oranges as i picked each one.

Bogavellia creates a wall on the west side. Rabbits frequent our yard and neighborhood. People have seen coyotes but i've never been lucky enough. grapefruit, tangellos, oranges, mexican birds of paradise, peaches and an assortment of birds i don't know the names of. Sunlight, Bluesky, Warm Breezes. Dog shit. My medium sized mut, snickers, looks into the light as i do, a gaze unfocused, fixed on the feelling of warmth as it were, and not anything in particular; (Is that a rabbit? Are those pidgeons in my yard?). I get up and make my rounds with a plastic grocery bag, considering it an honor, somehow, to be picking up after my dog's feces.

2005-11-30T15:05:00.000-08:00

shamanic web

2005-05-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

This link for the animal spirits web site will take you to the

shamanic web ring

a broad spectrum of spiritual discourses. Some of these ideas are about as old as dirt, shared by people who wish to freely offer their benefits, proven by human test and trial. Some, seem to be offered with a registered catchie name, trade mark, pattent and non negotiable price-tag, and i seriously question the benefits of the latter. lots of good free reading and forums.

This link will take you to the

white bison daily meditation

which you can get sent directly to your mailbox, er, daily. A great way to put some wisdom in your mind to chew on for the day.

2005-04-28T22:14:00.000-07:00

The other day in my local chain-store supermarket, my eyes fell upon the sexiest house plant i think i have ever seen, i took her home and we are getting married in june. then, looking for pictures of her family on the internet, i came across this.

Dr. Wu's Healing Art

2005-04-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

interesting, you know i'd pick someone who sells art claiming to have healing effects for a scam artist, but Dr. Wu's intentions seem aleast genuine, if his work is not a cure-all. imaginative and dreamlike, yet still comes through that simultaneously archaic and timeless reference to clarity, the tao.

R2D2 psycho-beautiful birds

2005-04-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

i rested in my bed in the mid afternoon, listening to the cocaphony of birds outside my window up in the palm tree. writing doesn't do it justice. These are the strangest bird sounds i have ever heard, and there's like 7 or 8 diferent sounds i can hear. it's like the phillip glass tribute symphony of the bird kingdom. It sounds like R2D2 got shot in the face, or is suffering from multiple personalities disorder. i love them, and i can't believe they exist.

Please write in your favorite things/creatures that you can't believe exist.
i can't believe you exist. i love you.

on being spiritually raped

2005-04-17T04:41:00.000-07:00

I wonder if other people feel like this? Please write in if so...

It's like continually realizing that you haven't quite woken up from a deep sleep, and being unsure of what waking up would entail. There are people i have found in this beautiful world who can understand ME, who can look, listen and feel WHAT I AM BEING, and can know it for what it is and even explain it with a grace which is quite simple and can give me a context for WHAT I AM, for you see, events happened to me which took place in my being, a type of experience i was not well educated on before hand. I guess i refer to trauma. And when everything you are wants to flee a situation, the act and means of avoidance become the dominant character trait, and one must realign themselves in dialogue. Actually, i'm not sure where one could draw a distinction of traumatic events happening outside of one's self and within. I mean, isn't that by definition what trauma entails? An experience within one's self? For trauma is an emotion, a human, subjective event, and emotions can run far from sence, and arising in trauma, from said events, when we call out in our beings in distress; this is when we need this sence the most.
I need some sence, and my being needs to know that said traumatic event is over, past. Done with. Except for how i continue to pretend or let it have life in my beliefs, in my Self, in the verb of I. I even find myself screaming through the haze of egotism and reaction, that "I don't even know what the fuck is going on and it's not my fault!" But it's not about fault, it's about bringing everything into the light of awareness, dialogue, discretion. And when did i start believing in guilt? what's that about? I don't know what is going on, hence let's lighten up abit. I find myself defending fear and guilt based motives which i don't really agree with in honest evaluation.
My general point of these first few paragraghs is to say that when i get it, i can see that it is only my reaction to said event still actively forcing sence out of the way, and out of genuine terror, out of a genuine feeling of terror, i say that because feeling seems to be the lesser defined place of being, when placed besides thought, and until forced into the light of awareness, into that light of purposeful attention, as far as my subjective reality goes, and with all that fear behind it, that's pretty much all of it; i'm still in said traumatic event. I'm still being put through that event.

thank you stupid phrase book

2005-04-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

nik walked into a coffee shop today. pretty girls, oh wait, too young. oh another. not too young. (this is very matter of fact, without weirdness or embarassment which can happen, only part of the annoyance of 'where is my mind?')physicality is nice, but you have to live with your mind. busy mind. oh yeah still haven't gotten that being present thing down or that lotus position thing. it begs the question, is my mind clouded or cluttered? which is it, nik, are you dazed, or busy in there? after mexican woman i'd be happy to have on a farm with three no four children in central mountainous mehico at age 42 serves me my "anything dark, besides french roast" iced latte, i go over to this square coffee table book for people's to write their words in. most of it catchy kones like "if you do not control your anger, your anger shall control you", and basically 'life's all in the livin and isn't it all peaches' and such. and i just want to rant and yell and scream, laughter! laughter and SPILL MY STORY!! to anybody. or hell, listen to anybody. i look back and realize im genuinely curious about the girl behind the bar and not very attracted to her in the first place, i think, no that's only because she's younger and biology changes us, apparently; sometimes this make me feel cheated. i should take a poll, if you visit this site you are required to write in: Do you feel cheated that as you grow older you are no longer attracted to those people any certain number of years younger than you? what a strange experience, and then you say to yourself, 'wow, i guess i'm not in that highschool catagory any more, or that college catagory (i am already finding myself doing this, and i'm not that beyond my college years, if i had gone to college).
He feels so stupid and alive and in awe and realizing it is all god, like dali lama said, i realized i was only talking to myself. maybe i am writing some stupid phrase for god's care and wisdom to laugh at and direct to more productive purposes.